I read a quote several months ago (I’ve since forgotten where, I’m sorry) that said “Lord, help me to receive what you give, lack what you withhold, and relinquish what you take.” This quote has really helped me through some discouraging moments over the last several months.
The road of infertility is a hard one. At least- that’s what all the books say. I’ve learned my way of processing is by reading and finding comfort in people who understand what I am going through. I’ve learned that while my journey is different than most people, it’s not completely unique. There are others who understand and can give encouraging words in the midst of all the (innocent yet) discouraging words. Most people just don’t realize the heartbreak that comes every time I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, or when I meet someone new and they ask “so do you plan on having children?”, or when I walk down the toilet paper aisle at Publix and accidentally see the brand with the cute smiley baby on the package (we buy Charmin because baby bears apparently don’t make me cry). For a girl who is known for not crying (seriously- people compare me to a robot because I hardly ever cry) it’s weird to walk around feeling so sensitive to everything around me. I also had to switch to waterproof mascara.
So the last several months have been me working through what God is withholding- children. It has been a constant cycle of questions like “Would I not be a good mother?”, “Are you [God] punishing me for something?”, “Do you just really not want us to be parents?” and “Is this really supposed to be how you love me- because this doesn’t feel like love.” I’ve been honest with God that if His plan is for us to not have kids- I don’t like that plan- BUT I’m willing for him to change my heart. So the line in the quote “Help me to lack what you withhold.” has been a constant prayer. I want to desire whatever He desires- but for right now our wills/timing don’t seem to be aligning.
But then, last week at church, the pastor said something that really made me think. He was talking about God being everything we would ever need. Sometimes that’s hard for me to hear- because what happens in my head is “yeah- I know that technically God is all I need- but that doesn’t really help me with how I’m feeling right now.” But then he said “God isn’t holding out on you. He isn’t withholding ANYTHING from you. He gave you his ONLY son- his only child- what else could he give you that would even come close to being as good?” As I was reflecting on this- God just softened my heart to understand that he isn’t withholding children from me. He already gave me a son- His Son- so that I can be a child of God. God owes me nothing. Not children, not an explanation. Nothing.
Does that mean that it doesn’t hurt anymore? Absolutely not. My mind thinks about our present circumstances at least once every 15-30 minutes. Every baby, every child, every pregnant person is a reminder that I dont have a child- and may never have a child. And I have to learn how to work through that- because babies will not stop being born on my account. BUT what I can do is trust that God has already given me the best- and everything else is added bonus. A baby in my arms is not going to bring me happiness the way a relationship with God will- and he has already provided a way for that.