"Let this [cup] pass from me"

I’ll go ahead and say, there isn’t a pretty bow on this. I don’t have a beautiful “God is all I need” moment, and am not looking for someone to give me one. These days I live in the disconnect between what I know to be true- and what feels true. I do want to share some of the things I have been wrestling with, and some of the faithfulness of God pulling me back to Him. But I have to acknowledge, that my journey is not finished, and that there is still a lot of growth and revelation to be had. 

A few months ago I was at a pretty low point in our journey to have a family. Even though we were “moving forward”, as we were on the path of becoming foster parents, I still felt emotionally troubled. After our last week of Foster Care classes, when we were close to being licensed, we felt a very clear word from God that we needed to stop. Foster Care wasn’t what we were supposed to do. Maybe one day I will write on what led us to this decision- but for now we will just leave it there. 

I had a serious emotional meltdown. Now we were moving backwards!?!?! Starting over with a new process- adoption. A journey that will no doubt be longer and more expensive. I was tired of our “story.” I remember being on a run one day- and my monologue (and I say monologue because conversation would mean that I was allowing God to get a word in- and I wasn’t) went a little like this.

“God. I am so tired of this. Please don’t let this be our story. Can’t you just fix this? I am tired of waiting and hoping. I am tired of longing. I am tired of asking.” Then a song came on my iPod that had the lyric “when I am overcome by fear, and I hate everything I know. If this waiting lasts forever, I’m afraid I might let go.” Repeat. That song played on repeat for weeks. I kept playing with the idea of just letting go. Just letting go of my dream. Never asking again. Just giving up. 

Weeks passed by, and the worst possible thing happened. Hope. That doesn't sound like a bad thing- but I have trained my heart to not hope- because hoping and then being disappointed is one of the worst tragedies I have ever felt. My heart just cannot handle it. Well, this particular month- hope got the best of me. (Men- excuse some of the following girly details). I was 5 days late. Then 10. Then 12. This is highly unusual for me, but we had been traveling a lot and my diet had changed, so I tried as hard as I could to not hope. While my heart was trying so hard to defend itself, my brain had already jumped to buying baby clothes and picking out names. 

I remember a conversation with Wesley where I said “If I am not pregnant- then God is just mean! Why allow me to hope like this? Why let me think it’s possible if it isn’t. I better be pregnant or I am going to be so pissed.” Then the song came back to me “If this waiting lasts forever, I’m afraid I might let go.” So I prayed “God. This is it. If I am not pregnant- I’m letting go. I’m done! I’m not asking anymore. I can’t keep asking. I can’t keep hoping. I’m done.”

Pastors, I hope you know how divine your messages can be. How you think you are just following the Lords leading, when actually God is really speaking through you to people, individually, where they are and what they need to hear. That’s where God met me. 

We were visiting a church out of town. The pastor was speaking on a passage where Jesus, who just had many followers leave him, asks his disciples if they would also like to leave. They reply with  “Where else would we go? You have the words of eternal life.” 

I came home and prayed- “ok God. I won’t let go. I wont give up. I’ll keep asking, because where else would I go. The next day, my body reminded me of my barrenness, and I kept my promise. I asked God for a baby. 

A few weeks later, we were out of town again and visiting a church. This pastor referenced Jesus in the garden, and his prayer to the Father. “God. With you all things are possible. Let this cup pass from be. But not my will, but yours be done.” So, then that became my prayer. God- I know you CAN do this. It’s possible. So please let this pass from us. Let our infertility pass, heal our bodies, and enable us to create a child in our image, in YOUR image. Allow us to be fruitful and multiply our lives. Most days, honestly, its difficult for me to muster up the courage to pray the rest. “But not my will- but yours be done”. I don’t want to utter those words. Because when I do- of course that would be the time God would answer my prayer- right? I struggle. I still want it my way. I want a baby. In my womb.  I want to feel it kick. I want to see parts of my wonderful husband in its character. 

I just cant seem to let go of this desire. It’s just doesn't seem possible to not want it anymore. So what else can I do? Ask. Seek. Knock. I keep at it. I pray. I sob. I rant. I pray more. I’m still not in a very great place emotionally. I watch the Twilight movies over and over again just to escape my reality. Live in someone else's world for a short period. {Wesley can’t possibly image how those terrible movies could possibly help- but they do.} But I will pray. I will continue to ask. And maybe one day, it will all make sense. Maybe it won’t. I’ll let you know when I figure it out.